by Ruth Aluma Dan, YourPace Contributing Writer
The romance genre has been around since the 18th century, and since then has been
popularized as the most popular book genre in modern times. A 2012 estimate done by
Industry analyst The Bookseller found that romance was the single biggest money-making genre, with sales of $1.44 billion a year, almost double those of the next biggest seller, mystery, at $728.2 million.
But even with its popularity, there’s a big gap between male readers and female readers. Why is that?
Romance books are often stereotyped as being written by women, for women, usually
from a woman’s point of view. But, aside from the fact that there are many male romance
authors, notably Nicholas Sparks and Alexis Hall, among others, there’s actually a lot that men can learn from romance books—they just seem reluctant to pick one up. A study done by the Romance Writers of America showed that men make up 18% of romance readers. Despite male romance readers growing in number, the gender gap is still pretty obvious. My take on this is that young adult men and men in their early 20s should read and watch more of the romance genre because it can help them understand women’s expectations, handle and express big emotions, and gain insight into the popular female mind, which can help future relationships.
Romance is a genre, and is fictional and fantastical, just like action sports and superhero
movies. Those genres are fun, but they rarely teach how to handle love and rejection and how to talk about our feelings. Romance isn’t just entertainment; it’s also emotional education. It’s not a blueprint as to how to have a relationship, but there are some lessons in there that can help relationships. According to a 2013 study published in Science by psychologists David Kidd and Emanuele Castano, reading literary fiction increases something called “Theory of Mind” —basically, your ability to understand what other people are thinking and feeling. Romance novels and movies are filled with emotional detail. They show what women and people in general value and want in relationships, including communication, empathy, and respect. These stories give men an authentic view of women’s expectations from a woman’s perspective, something many men aren’t exposed to.
Some critics say that romance creates unrealistic expectations for women. In my anonymous survey, one male participant shared that he wouldn’t be a big fan if his girlfriend were reading romance all of the time. “I would feel concerned about her comparing me to the very idealized male protagonist or having some kind of impossible expectation about real relationships.” But maybe those “unrealistic” expectations also come from a lack of male effort to meet them. If men read or watched the same stories, they’d better understand those expectations and could choose to meet them or at least discuss them. Jimmy Orenstein, a 21-year-old New York student, was one of the men interviewed regarding the expectations set by romance stories. “I think, honestly, men’s effort seems to have declined a lot in our generation, and I think it has to do with
what is societally acceptable. And I feel like women have probably, for like a bunch of reasons, allowed men to become complacent with what they bring to the table. I think men kind of rise
and fall to the level of a woman’s expectation in a lot of ways.”
Romance Helps Men Understand and Express Emotions
Another reason for men to start reading romance is to understand emotions in a way they
might be lacking. Many boys grow up being told to “man up” or “boys don’t cry,” which teaches them to suppress their emotions or to be seen as non-manly. But research from the American Psychological Association shows that emotional suppression is linked to lower relationship satisfaction and higher stress. Conseula Francise, an Associate Professor of English at the College of Charleston and researcher of African American popular romance, said that men don’t read romance “because romance novels are so equated with women and femininity, and because
we train boys and men to avoid…being associated at all with femininity, [romance fiction
novels] just fall outside the realm of what is accepted.” In many romance novels, the male
characters are open about their emotions and communicative. The male characters cry or
communicate their feelings. Vulnerability is seen as a connection, not as a weakness. It shows how much women value openness in relationships and that emotional vulnerability and honesty aren’t “unmanly.”
A 2019 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that reading emotional narratives
increases empathy and emotional intelligence. When men read “Happy Place” or watch La La Land, they see examples of emotional honesty, something real life doesn’t often teach. According to Pew Research, the top reasons relationships fail are poor communication and emotional disconnection. Romance stories literally revolve around those two things—they’re like free training for better communication. Romance shows men how characters resolve conflicts or express love, giving them a sort of manual on what works and what doesn’t. It’s not about copying the grand gestures, but about understanding the little things that make the women feel seen and appreciated.
Now, while the romance genre generally has a happy couple ending up together, it is such
a diverse genre. There are books that are lighthearted, contemporary, and cutesy; historical epics; and steamy dramas that are more focused on the sex, so not all romance is the same. I’m sure you can find something you’d be interested in. Of course, all women are different and want different things, so again, romance books aren’t a blueprint, but they can help men
understand emotions, communications, and connection better. As long as you remember that it’s fictional, not real life, but that it does have some truth in it. After all, real people wrote those stories through experiences, or fantasies, or imagination, but they came from some sort of reality.
I’m not saying you have to trade in Marvel movies for The Notebook, but once in a while, reading a Christina Lauren book or watching a rom-com with an open mind can help. Romance stories can teach you how to listen better, communicate better, and understand what love looks like from the other side. They make you emotionally stronger, not weaker, and not less of a man.
Learning to love is hard, but there are manuals out there in abundance. Try picking one up once in a while.
