by Lance Yatooma

UTimes OP-ED Contributor

When we get angry with someone—whether it’s a colleague, a sibling, a banker, or a parent—have you ever walked away and asked yourself, “Do I enjoy being angry?” If the answer is no, keep reading because you know you’re not perfect. But if your answer is yes, then your hubris awaits, and perhaps this message isn’t for you.

Too often in my younger years, without the wisdom to handle situations better, I believed my anger was justified.

It’s a standard default for most, and I was no exception. 

Growing up, one needs to be raised with examples of appropriate conflict resolution. It can be difficult to understand another person’s point of view, let alone ask ourselves, “Am I willing to compromise on something to get what I want from the other side?’ Our emotions, especially anger, always take precedence over reason, or else why would we act impulsively in the first place?

When I felt anger rising, I mentally stepped back, stopping myself from letting impulses get the best of me. Practicing enough times helped me control my emotions and think more clearly. Because of this, I’ve matured over the years. The book Master Your Emotions, written by Thibaut Meurisse, is one I recommend to anyone because of the practical approach to why one does not know when one will become angry or hostile and how to notice when it is building up. He elaborates on how to use the coping strategies. Self-reflection is needed to improve in areas of one’s thought process. The lack of emotional control is one negative personality trait that has permeated American society; too many people lack the maturity to handle challenging situations, think clearly, let the chips fall as they may, and reflect afterward. Mastering one’s emotions and impulses makes a person the master of themselves, rather than letting emotions and impulses take control. It’s a quality that leads to self-improvement and is a highly valued trait when searching for a partner.

Of course, there are times when it’s appropriate to be reactive or express anger or sadness, though these times are rare. Examples might include:

  • The death of a loved one.
  • A physical altercation is in defense of someone unable to protect themselves.
  • Discovering dishonesty.

Ask yourself if you want a partner in a potential lifelong relationship to be reactive or responsive. The answer should be responsive, for a straightforward reason: no one wants chaos in a relationship. We seek peace of mind and someone we can feel comfortable with, not someone whose impulsiveness leads to constant conflict. For those of us who have been off and on in the dating scene for some years now, and at thirty six years old, we all know and have some criteria unique to us. The one consistent trait in friends of my age is that they are still searching trying to maintain self-control. The importance of emotional control in relationships cannot be overstated, as it is the foundation of a healthy and harmonious partnership.

Dishonesty, being intentional, can warrant a firm response, even one tinged with anger. However, it’s equally important to cultivate enough self-control to identify dishonest people early on and keep your distance. This helps prevent unnecessary anger from surfacing at the wrong moment, even if anger might feel justified.

These steps sound tedious, difficult, or even a lot to take on. But life is already hard enough. Knowing oneself means first learning self-control. Once you can do that, life becomes more accessible to navigate, even during its lows. The relief that comes with self-control is empowering, putting you in the driver’s seat of your emotions.