President Rice with President Putin
U.S. law enforcement, under the instructions of the Supreme Court, are investigating new links between UMPI and Russia, as part of the broader investigation into Donald Trump’s presidential election of 2016.
Sources from Washington, D.C., and the Kremlin have reported intervention between the administration at UMPI and the secret service of the royal Imperial Russian special forces.
To date, the Justice Joseph Cabello investigation has swept up to five members of the UMPI administration, including three who have agreed to work with Vladimir Putin on making UMPI a Russian outpost in the U.S.
As the investigation is currently unfolding, we have already learned some of the plans that the two sides were planning on imposing on the UMPI community for the fall semester of 2018. U-Times sources refer to huge changes in our campus, from changing building names, to radar, to even conspiracy theories.
The Russian officials see UMPI as a great way for their easy pass in the U.S. since it was here that 40 years ago was the closest frontier to the Russian forces. Sources from the Kremlin refer to pandemonium in Moscow and celebration for the event of the induction of UMPI into the Russian family.
So far what has been told to the local authorities and the community is that the Russians have great plans of upgrading Presque Isle, with its center being moved to UMPI. The first goal of Putin is to create the world’s largest radar right by our wind turbine in the soccer fields. That will create a faster and instant connection with Moscow, and also it would be a great weapon to spy on the Trump administration’s plans in D.C. The first victim of the Russian influence was of course our very own Hootie the owl. Based on trusted sources, the Russians were behind his recent transformation that shows his new Russian identity. The next plan that was on the table was the revival of the old Normal Hall into the new Northern Maine Russian Cultural Center. The plans for Normal hall are to change the interior into a Russian aristocratic theater and also the main art exhibition area for the UMPI art department.
The next ambitious plan was to rename all the current UMPI buildings. So, Folsom/Pullen would be renamed the Lenin/Stalin building, the CIL will be renamed to
Czar Putin Library, Emerson Hall to Babushka Hall, Park Hall will be renamed after our 45th president Donald Trump and thus called Trump Hall. Now, Merriman will be renamed as Vodka Hall, the Campus Center will take the name of The UMPI Red Square, the South Hall would be called the Kalinka Hall and would be the new headquarters for the UMPI Bolsheviks and at last Preble Hall will take the name of Kartoshka (Potato) Hall.
All these changes were seen by the Justice Department and are under investigation for their clarification and their political background.
Other significant changes that will face UMPI students are the new updates at the cafeteria. From what our sources say, Sodexo agreed to make some friendly improvements and small changes in its menu. From now on, the cafeteria instead of water will serve vodka, all the employees would have to wear the Russian traditional costume and dance and sing the Russian National anthem, the food would only be Russian with great emphasis on potatoes and also the portrait of Putin will be placed on all walls throughout campus.
But changes would also occur in some departments, too. The most recent update for curriculum change is that Putin himself wanted UMPI to expand the chemistry offerings to instruct students in the formulation of Novichok for commercial marketing (but only as a pest eliminator of course) under the instruction of Professor Michael Knopp.
According to Violet Washburn, the coordinator of campus engagement and international student services, “I am very excited for all the new changes that are coming to UMPI. And I can’t wait to maybe teach some Russian dances and do some Russian-based activities with students.”
