When becoming a parent, some of us know exactly how we want to raise our children, while others are unsure and go through parenting classes. Parents have their own ways of parenting. But how do we determine if someone is parenting well or poorly? Should we judge others’ personal lives and their abilities to parent? Is there a right way or wrong way to raise children?
Alexandria Albert who has two children: a boy and a girl. Her children are Alice, who is 8 months, and Eli, who is 8 years old. She said, “Well, I always wanted to be a mom. But, I wanted to have kids when I had my pre-med biology degree and a house and married…you know, stable. I went through one year of school and then took time off and it was unplanned, but I was pregnant a couple months later. I was engaged but nowhere near where I wanted to be in life. So, I became a mom at 19. I took classes to get what I needed to know and went from there.”
Alexandria has been a parent for eight years and planned her second child but not her first. Over the years, she has developed parenting skills. “I use patience to discipline. I never raise my voice. I don’t believe in spanking because it just shows violence solves problems. I put my oldest in time out in a corner or in a timeout chair. The number of minutes is their age, so for him it’s eight. If that doesn’t solve the problem, I take away his toys or his TV privileges. Usually that works. My 8-month-old you can’t discipline because she thinks it’s funny. I allow one to two hours of TV a day. Then my son must play outside or find something to entertain himself. He has one chore: taking out the trash,” Alexandria said.
Alexandria said that she learned how to parent from “parenting classes and from my older sister and some from my mom.” Who should determine if she is a good parent? Alexandria said, “As long as my son and daughter are happy and smiling, have everything they need and have food on the table and in the fridge and clothes on their back, a roof over their heads and a place to lay their heads at night, I consider that a good parent. So I guess my family and myself.”
Alexandria doesn’t think that parents know how they’re going to raise their children ahead of time. She said, “You never really know. You have an idea how you want to raise them the minute you find out you are expecting. A bunch of fantasies fly through your head on how they will be, their personality and what you may want to do with them, like family trips, camping and all the stuff you want to introduce them to. But every child is different, so you never really know until the moment comes.” Alexandria does have a strong opinion on what makes a poor parent. “Neglecting, abuse, belittling. I believe not paying attention to them and just keeping them in their rooms is neglect and abuse. Name calling and making them feel small or a burden is belittling. There’s a lot that can make a bad parent,” Alexandria said.
Richard Cohen has two children, a boy and a girl. Candice is 54 years old and Mylan is 56 years old. How did he get started with parenting? Richard said. “My wife and I were over in Admin, Maine, at a cottage and decided on our first child, Mylan. Then when he came closer to two, we had Candice.” Richard did not take any parenting classes to raise his children and he has been a parent for 56 years. Both of Richard’s children were planned. Where did Richard get the parenting skills that he used when his children were younger? He said, “I used common sense and made sure they learned what they had to learn. We bought them books and my wife would read to them every night. We went on trips with them, made sure they had nice friends, were careful about what school they went to because we moved a lot and gave them support for the after-school activities or any event. We always went to the events.”
Richard got his parenting skills from suggestions from his family “I did not know how to do it. We learned from experience. We agreed with the suggestion or we didn’t,” Richard said. He already thought of himself as a good parent to his children. When did Richard know how he was going to raise his children and what he thought would make a good parent? He said, “Pretty well knew when my wife was going to have Mylan. We had talked about it.” His opinion on what he considers to be a poor way of raising a child is “continually criticize them, not pay attention to them, ignore them and that’s something we never did,” Richard said.
In all, are really either of these two people terrible parents or excellent parents? All people make mistakes, even if that means leaving your children at a soccer game one time and forgetting to pick them up. Probably one of the more surprisingly aspects is that most people turn out well. That says a lot, not just about parenting but also about the human spirit.
