Pantry Thief!

Recent photos have popped up all over campus to try to catch The Pantry Bandit. Witnesses say he stuffs his pockets to the brim and doesn’t even attend UMPI. The pantry is intended for students of the university to help one another out, and this so-called “man” takes without any care. The account to follow will express how terrifying this incident truly is.

Witness reports say the thievery has grown to a worrying amount since the start of the spring semester. Canned tuna, canned chicken, pads–all gone! It’s at the hands of one person: The Pantry Bandit. People who run the pantry say, “This stealing spree is truly terrible. It shows the community here at UMPI that stealing is OK and something we don’t take seriously.” This was their essential warning to the spring semester swiper. “If we find him on campus again, he better hope his pockets only have lint in them. Our security team is very strong and willing to hold him up in their office until he gives away his thievery secrets.” From their standpoint, it looks like the battle is just beginning.

The Pantry Bandit was caught on camera just last week. Caytlin Passera, a university freshman, was on her way back from her geology class when she spotted the bandit. With shaking hands, she took out her phone and got some key snapshots.  “I was just passing by. I thought he was just going to pick up some things. Then I saw his pockets filled to the brim. I knew something was wrong and this wasn’t just a ‘prank.’ I dug into my jeans and found my phone. I snapped a couple of quick pictures. I felt so scared. Who knew what he was capable of? Something about him seemed so familiar.” When questioned if she could identify the suspect, she had only this to say. “I just don’t know. I just know I’ve seen his face before.  I just can’t remember where.” Unfortunately, Passera had no further information to give.

Other students worry about what could come next for issues on the UMPI campus. Could someone break into the cafe, the gym or the student activities office? The light-hearted school environment is slowly slipping away due to the breach in our peace and serenity. Sure, it’s just The Pantry Bandit now, but what’s to come next? It’s unclear, especially if he continues this path of mischievous acts–spreading the seed of evil to others. When will we be able to sleep again soundly? The answer is clear: once The Pantry Bandit has been found.

Sadly, it won’t be anytime soon.  The Bandit sent a message to Passera a few days ago. We were able to ask him a few questions before he decided to hang up on us. “The reason I take all this stuff is that I need this stuff too. The world can be a pretty cruel place to a college dropout,” The Bandit explained. “I will also not hit the pantry for some time, at least until the heat from these recent events eventually cools off.”

Even though these words may sound hopeful, it should still concern the students and staff on campus. He will try to strike again. We don’t know when, but we must stand ready for this criminal scum and bring him to justice.