Gunwives

The Beautiful Bride

     Shotgun wedding was given a whole new meaning as proud ammosexual Theodore Clemmens said his vows to “Ethel,” his beloved Mossberg Pump-Action shotgun. Clemmens then carried his spouse out of the church, in what could only be called a truly memorable moment. The blue Ford pick-up, Confederate war flag hanging proudly in the back, kicked up dust as cans clinked down the old dirt road.  “Just Married” was written in the back window.

     Clemmens is a 65-year-old Civil War recreation enthusiast and Confederacy sympathizer who believes that the war was never really about slavery.  He spoke at length about his reasoning behind marrying his firearm.  “I guess I’m just afraid that they are going to take her away.  I figured if I marry her, then they will not be able to remove her.  She lives here.”  Clemmens, having been married once before, said that he is not worried about divorce.  He feels that the first marriage didn’t last because of his love for outdoorsmanship, something that he and Ethel are able to enjoy together.  Clemmens also stated several times that what he was doing was trying to take back the phrase ammosexual.  He wasn’t ashamed at how he felt about Ethel and that no man should worry about how he and his firearm are in the privacy of their own home.

     As one might expect, not everyone is OK with this union.  There are those who believe that Ethel is not able to consent to the marriage.  When this is brought up to Clemmens, he simply shrugs and talks about nonverbal relationships and how great they can be.  The children from his first marriage are the others who have stood up against this.  “He wants us to call her mama,” eldest son Marcus Clemmens said.  “He took us out of the will also.  We already knew we were not getting much.  He is leaving everything to what he calls his new children.  He has three lucky shell casings that helped to take down a bear in the woods, with Ethel.  He told us that they saved his life, which is more than we ever did.”

     Even with the opponents, there are those who would call Clemmens brave.  Sandy Tuckermanchild, a spokesperson for the Traditional Families are our Future campaign, spoke at length at a press conference after the wedding. “Maybe this will show those liberal heathens what nontraditional marriage has allowed.  We open one door, and they all open.  I say bless Theo and his lovely wife Ethel!”

     Many attempts were made to get into an interview with Ethel but press was denied access.  Clemmens said that it was because she is afraid of the press.  He said, “Ethel knows all the press are really on the payroll of the anti-gun cowards up in Washington, and she doesn’t want to speak with them.”  He further went to say, “Besides, you will just try to take her from me, and that is not something I will let happen.